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Messes and Miracles

I am a recovering perfectionist. As with any recovery, some days I’m more “recovered” than others. The Christmas season is one of my lesser “recovered” times. (Truth moment—I don’t think I’ll ever be “recovered”. I will always be a work in progress here.)

And seriously—I don’t think there’s ever been a time in my life when attaining my idea of a “perfect” anything is less appropriate. I am processing what feels like an endless river of grief. I’m also in the process of engaging with life in a new way through building my own business. Then there’s the worldwide pandemic, keeping our collective nervous systems on high alert for threats we can’t see. Add a new natural disaster every few days, and continual reminders of how white supremacy has created a culture in which we’re all made to feel less than … and it’s all Just Too Much.

So this morning, feeling overwhelmed by my own feels before I even got out of bed, this statement wrapped itself around my heart, and helped me remember my own Truth.

“Miracles happen in the space of making do.”

I was reminded in a visceral way, a way that slowed my heart rate, calmed my breathing and gave me reason to smile, just a little, that no matter what I bring to my life today, I am Enough. My kitchen is a disaster zone. Presents aren’t wrapped, and the ornaments keep falling off our new tree. People I wish I could interact with are doing what they need to do to stay regulated here in this season of darkness and uncertainty, and I miss them.

Today, I am here. I am Enough—jogging pants, messy hair, and weepy eyes. What I bring to the world is gift, even when I can’t see it myself. I take my hands off the controls, stop trying to meet my own expectations, and let this moment be what it is.

Today I am living and feeling into these words by Glennon Doyle. “We yearn for relief, for hope, for comfort, for love … and we think it will come. … It’s not coming. It is always only already here. It is not separate from our messes. It is inside of them. Love and Magic … it’s not apart from our lives. It’s here now.”

This is my Truth today … remembering that what I most long for isn’t “out there” somewhere. It’s here, inside me, inside what feels like a complete mess.

Because messes are where Miracles are born.

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