Janelle Schneider

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The Value of Story

Blog

31 Jul

I am a storyteller by nature. I love to read stories, hear stories, and tell stories.

Brene Brown says that stories are how we make meaning of the events in our lives.

I’ve found this to be true when I’m relating an experience to someone else. I can’t just tell them what happened. I have to give them the context and the backstory so my listener understands the full impact of what I’m sharing.

The human desire to tell stories and have them received compassionately is at the core of my work as a spiritual director. In the sacred space of the spiritual direction relationship, individuals tell me their experiences, and together we listen for the threads of meaning in and around those stories. My focus is on the person sitting across from me. There is nothing on my agenda for those 50 minutes other than what the other is saying, feeling, and questioning. I offer back to them what I heard in their words, and often in that offering, they hear something in their story they had previously not been aware of.

Stories can serve a less nourishing purpose in our inner worlds, however. When we experience something that stirs discomfort in us, our first impulse is tell ourselves a story around that experience.

I ask a question, and my loved one responds with a curt answer. I immediately go to, “Why was he annoyed with me? I was simply asking a question!” or “He always snaps at me when I just want clarification!” This intensifies my discomfort, which is now being attributed to my loved one’s response. My focus is now on his behaviour, pushing my own discomfort into the background.

Through my years of inner work, when I feel discomfort in a relationship exchange, I’ve learned to ask myself, “What story am I telling myself?” Almost always, it’s a story that diminishes my worth and simultaneously blames another for that diminishment.

Eleanor Roosevelt has been quoted as saying, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Until I started paying attention to my internal stories, I couldn’t see the truth in that statement. It is the story I am telling myself about the experience that determines whether I feel diminished or tended in my hurt.

One of my soul-practices when I feel a reaction to something someone else has said or done is to ask myself, “What actually happened?” I focus on just the facts of the encounter. 

I asked a question.

My loved one responded.

I felt hurt by his tone.

That’s when I realize this isn’t about his words or his tone, but about my emotional experience. Without judgement on either him or me, I can give attention to my hurt. There are times when I then give voice to that hurt, and find out that my loved one thought he had given a completely neutral response, or was feeling a frustration I didn’t know about which then came out in his tone. Either way, his tone wasn’t about me.

Another way in which stories trip me up is when I’m facing the unknown. How easy it is for my brain to generate scenarios of struggle or disappointment! I’ve discovered that I end up living the hard things in my life at least twice—once in my anticipation of the hardship and again when I’m actually in the moment.

Again, taking a step back from my mental scenario helps me pay attention to the moment I’m actually in. In this moment, I notice the gift of breath and inhale deeply, then exhale slowly. I feel in my body my own inner strength and am reminded that no matter what difficulties I have faced up until now in my life, I’ve always made in through. Sometimes I even remember that most times, my actual experience has been far less difficult than my imagined experience.

Stories also have the ability to bring comfort and encouragement. I have a friend whose favourite activity when she’s feeling discouraged by life is to watch a movie. She has about a dozen different movies that are familiar friends by now, and every time she watches one, it offers solace. I love to read stories, either in fiction or in memoir.  Whether the characters are factual or imaginary, their courage and strength in facing their circumstances reminds me of my own resilience. I particularly enjoy fantasy novels because the usual “rules” of earth-bound life don’t apply. I love how anything feel possible in those stories.

I invite you to check in with yourself once a day to see what kind of story you’re creating in your mind. This is not to feel ashamed, but rather, just objectively notice. “What kind of story am I telling myself?’ I also invite you to pay attention to the kinds of stories that inspire you, encourage you, or simply give you some moments or hours of enjoyment.

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