Did you know today is World Kindness Day?
I stumbled across this factoid last week, and ever since, I’ve been mulling over what kindness means. I’ve been watching for it when I interact with the world at large (and yes, I have seen it). You won’t be at all surprised to read that I’ve been asking what it means to be kind to myself.
I was raised by parents who loved me, and who were imperfect at expressing that love. They, like many parents of their generation, believed that being a “good parent” meant making sure their children adhered to certain standards of conduct, and reached certain achievements. Questioning their expectations was not acceptable. So, I grew up believing that I had to be a certain way and do certain things in order to be “good enough”.
I know I’m not alone in this experience.
The result in me, and in others who have shared their experiences with me, is that my default is to view myself through a critical lens. I am quick to judge myself for my flaws and slow to appreciate my gifts. In other words, I am not habitually kind to myself.
I am grateful to be part of an informal community of people who are dedicated to soul-work. In their company, I have learned to recognize my automatic habits of unkindness to myself, and have had opportunities to practice being loved by people who accept me as the beautiful, flawed human I am.
One of my most profound lessons has been learning how to receive love.
I am by nature an affectionate person. Relationships matter deeply to me, whether they are friendships, family connections, or my 30 year plus relationship with my Favourite Person. One would think that receiving love would come easily, right?
It took me awhile to recognize the many ways in which I actually push love away.
For example, when someone offers appreciation for something I do for them, I’m quick to say, “It was no trouble” as if to reassure them, rather than simply receiving their gratitude.
When someone greets me in a gathering with “It’s good to see you”, I’m quick to respond with, “It’s good to see you, too”, turning the focus back on them rather than letting myself feel their welcome.
Then there’s the reflexive response to “I love you” … an automatic, “I love you, too.”
There’s nothing inherently wrong with any of those responses. The tricky part is that they flow off my tongue automatically. When I take note of my internal feelings in those moments, I notice that when the compliment or affection is offered, I’m not letting it in. I instantly turn the positive regard (and my attention) back to the other person. It’s like I become a rubber wall from which their care bounces right back at them.
In the early days of our relationship, Favourite Person and I talked about how easily “I love you” becomes a rote phrase. We agreed that when one of us expresses love, the other will respond in a way that acknowledges the gift being offered. It may be just a squeeze of a hand, or a small smile (he’s a great believer in gestures rather than words), but the point is that we don’t lob the word “love” back and forth like a bouncy ball that has no place to land.
It wasn’t until I became part of my soul-work community that I realized how important this conscious receptivity is for my soul-growth. It takes effort to respond to another’s regard in a non-automatic way. Thankfully, my community is all about intentional response, so I can keep practicing with them, even when it feels awkward. It was from one of them that I learned how lovely it is to hear “love received” when I express my care.
The actual words that I use in response aren’t the important part of this practice. It’s the pause before my response … a space in which I consciously choose to feel the love being offered to me. It’s a pause that’s only possible when I choose to accept the possibility that I am worthy of love because I am. I don’t have to prove my value by returning a compliment immediately. It’s also only possible because I’ve practiced the discomfort of allowing myself to be seen.
As awkward as it feels, this conscious receiving of love is one of the kindest things we can do for ourselves. It is an act of generosity toward our own hearts. It is love expressed inward.
I invite you to pause, and just for a moment, imagine your heart receiving love. How does that feel? What might our world be like if we all knew how to let ourselves be loved?
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