Befriending Shame

One of the most painful and isolating emotions we humans experience is shame. It’s such a sticky, uncomfortable feeling that we often don’t even realize that it’s what we’re feeling, and it comes out as anger, or blame, or even anxiety. However, it is possible to befriend this unwelcome experience, and receive gifts from its presence.

Brene Brown has built her professional work on the study of shame and the various ways we feel it, express it, and try to avoid it. She defines it this way:

“Shame is the fear of disconnection—it’s the fear that something we’ve done or failed to do an ideal that we’ve not lived up to, or a goal that we’ve not accomplished makes us unworthy of connection … Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging and connection.”

Because human beings are wired for connection and belonging, this feeling of being unworthy of having this basic need met erodes our most fundamental sense of safety. In essence, we feel unworthy of existing. Of course this is immensely painful, so of course, we will go to great lengths to hide from it, and to make sure no one else knows we’re feeling it.

This creates exactly the conditions shame needs to thrive—isolation from others and disconnection from ourselves.

I am so very grateful to my mentors who have helped me learn how to cultivate the ability to be present to shame and access the surprising gifts it can bring. These tools frequently get applied in my work as a spiritual director, where I have the privilege of accompanying others in learning how to befriend the parts of themselves they instinctively most want to hide and hide  from.

In my personal experience, and in the work I’ve witnessed in my directees, presence is the primary antidote to shame. Because shame makes me want to hide, if I can entrust my vulnerability to a trusted friend or guide, just speaking the feeling aloud often dissipates most of its intensity.

However, easing shame’s grip on my heart is only part of the work. To fully receive the surprising gifts it can offer, I have to be able to continue to be present to its effect in me. This takes a lot of courage, and strength that is only gained through continuing to practice the skills.

Spirit River Community: A Retreat Centre Without Walls has invited me to present a workshop on June 11, 2025 on doing this challenging work. If you are interested in exploring this subject with me, I invite you to register at spiritrivercommunity.org, under the Shop tab. Look for “Befriending Shame”. Even if you are unable to join us live, registration will give you access to the complete workshop at your convenience.

One of the most important gifts we’ll receive in our work together is the reminder that we are not alone in feeling this burden of unworthiness and non-belonging. We will have conversation about our individual experiences, and hear from one another what brings solace in shame’s presence.

Please feel free to connect with me at soulquestservices@gmail.com if you have questions or want to explore this with me in a one-on-one setting.