If you’ve been reading my blog posts for any amount of time, you’re aware that one of the foundational perspectives of my life and my work is healthy emotional awareness.
The terms “emotional regulation” or “nervous system regulation” have become part of our communal language. Both of them sound like they’re about controlling our reactions, making sure our emotions are never uncomfortable and that our nervous system is always at ease. I’ve also heard them used in the context of making sure no one else knows if we’re experiencing anything uncomfortable.
These interpretations hold up an unrealistic, even impossible standard.
Emotions cannot be controlled.
A healthy nervous system will feel discomfort as often as comfort.
Hiding our feelings deprives us of the connection and support that are necessary for our wellbeing.
Emotional regulation, as I’ve learned it, is about growing the capacity to be present to our uncomfortable emotions. We recognize we’re having feelings that we don’t like, and we practice noticing them, allowing them to be what they need to be, and giving ourselves tender care in the experience.
Allowing our emotions is not about dumping them on someone else, or using them as weapons to get what we want.
Allowing emotions is about developing the ability to accept them inwardly as they are. Sometimes this acceptance means allowing tears to flow, or finding a physical expression of the feeling that does not harm another. Its focus is always inward. What is MY experience? What is MY feeling in this moment? What do I need for support to continue being present to this discomfort?
One of the most difficult emotions to be present to is shame. It is one that hovers in the background of our awareness almost constantly. Brene Brown defines it as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we flawed and therefor unworthy of love, belonging and connection.” It doesn’t take much to make this feeling come roaring out the background, hijacking our nervous system, and triggering our fight, flight, freeze, fawn response.
Because it is rooted in our sense of worth, and thus, so very painful and disorienting, we go to great lengths to hide from it and disguise it when we cannot hide.
However, Shame does have gifts to bring to us. Despite our understandable resistance to it, how we defend against it or work with it determines whether it diminishes us or offers us opportunities for greater self-knowledge and growth.
Building the skills to be present to shame opens us to a greater connection with our innate worth. It reminds us to consciously choose to remember how deeply we are loved, and to consciously receive the love of those around us. It reminds us to remember, again and again, the Truth of who we are.
These skills of presence do not grow automatically. They need to be practiced, and we need the support of loving companions and mentors in the work. There are times we forget how to be present, and then we remember. It’s all part of our humanity.
This is why I am honoured and delighted to be presenting a workshop via zoom on October 14 entitled “Befriending Shame: the emotion we most want to avoid”. It is an online presentation offered through Spirit River Community—A Retreat Centre Without Walls. Link here The presentation will be recorded so if you are unable to attend live, you will have access to a recorded version later in the week. This is the first in a six part series I’m offering on Being Present to Difficult Emotions, all through Spirit River. Future presentations will explore Fear, Anger, our Inner Critic, Envy and Jealousy, and Desire. Each workshop is stand-alone, yet connected by theme to the others.
If you are interested in learning more about any of these topics in the presence of a caring supportive community of fellow travellers, we would love to have you journey with us.
presentation will be recorded so if you are unable to attend live, you will have access to a recorded version later in the week. This is the first in a six part series I’m offering on Being Present to Difficult Emotions, all through Spirit River. Future presentations will explore Fear, Anger, our Inner Critic, Envy and Jealousy, and Desire. Each workshop is stand-alone, yet connected by theme to the others.
If you are interested in learning more about any of these topics in the presence of a caring supportive community of fellow travellers, we would love to have you journey with us.
