My Inconvenient Humanity

“We are taught to be suspicious of the soft animal of our bodies because our humanity is as unpredictable and inconvenient as it glorious and true.” Mara Glatzel, Needy

I have been on a journey of getting acquainted with my own humanity, learning to build a relationship with my messy limitations, rather than trying to manage them out of existence. I have become ever more aware of how multiple forces around me, and throughout the decades of my life have given me various versions of the message that I can only be successful and loveable if I’m productive, upbeat, and adaptable to whatever anyone else expects of me.

This makes the reality of my humanity very inconvenient. I am affected by Life—how much sleep I got (or didn’t get) last night, the grief I may be processing, the latest political pronouncement or demonstration in the news … the list is endless. My energy level ebbs and flows, which is often not in line with how I think it “should”. I may wake up in the morning feeling discouraged for no reason I can immediately identify. In addition, the older I get, the more quickly I feel depleted and the more slowly I recover.

All of these factors affect how I show up in the world. I might have designated a particular day to get a list of items checked off my “to-do” list, only awaken with the awareness that my body is craving rest. I might awaken with motivation and energy to “get things done”, only to be greeted with news from a loved one that diverts all of my energy and attention. How often I have set the intention of accomplishing something, only to have that task take twice as much time as I expected!

When I am truly in touch with my humanity, I am reminded repeatedly that I am not in control. I am reminded I have needs. I have imperfections and inconsistencies. I need tending, often when I would most prefer to be accomplishing.

My deepest desire as I continue to learn to embrace my inconvenient humanity is that I become ever more mindful and honouring of the fact that I am here on earth as a Being, not a Doing. What I experience as my own frailty and imperfection is simply the reality of being alive. I am affected by Life. Even rocks are affected by the elements of wind and rain. Why should I be any less?

I am slowly learning how much richer my experience of living can be when I allow myself to just be as I am in this moment, rather than trying to manage myself into what I’ve been told is more acceptable. Allowing my tiredness when it comes and tending it with rest, accepting my discouragement and being gentle with it, embracing my shame and letting it be seen opens to me the very experiences of love and belonging that I try to earn through presenting my shiny self.

For me, it all comes back to remembering that I don’t need to, and indeed cannot, control how Life unfolds. I can choose how I respond, but I don’t control the outcome. When I give up my need to try to manage my own experience, I discover nourishment and growth in unexpected ways.

I am a soft human. This is both greatly inconvenient and amazingly glorious.