When we think of spiritual practices, or what I like to call ‘soul practices”, we think of practices we do in solitude, quiet little ways we have of nourishing our connection with our deepest selves and with the Divine. However, community is as necessary to our nourishment as solitude.
There are many aspects of being in relationship with others that can nourish us, but one we don’t often consider is the practice of asking for help. We were praised as children when we developed skills of doing things for ourselves. As teenagers, we craved the freedom to make our own decisions and create our own *lives. As we grew into adulthood, society reminded us of the value of independence and being “self-made”.
The truth is that we need others. We need supportive friends and loved ones. We need to know there are people we can reach out to when we need help.
And yet, asking for help feels incredibly vulnerable. As soon as I admit I can’t do something alone, I open myself to judgement.
This need for fierce independence often spills over into our relationship with the Divine. We shy away from asking for Grace to help us meet our challenges. We are reluctant to admit when doing our inner soul work is just too painful, and we want to give up.
As precarious as it feels, though, letting someone else know we need help opens us to receiving care. When another responds to my request with love and support, I get to experience the gift of being tended. I am reminded that I am, indeed, not alone, in my inner work, or even in the work of being a human on planet Earth.
I see this form of soul-nourishment as I sit with others in spiritual direction. I listen to them tell the story of the past few weeks of their lives, or maybe their memories of along ago event that still affects them. Invariably, I see and hear the movement of Grace in their experiences, and offer that awareness to them as a gift. It is a privilege to watch the awareness open in them as they realize they have been helped and guided and supported.
I have also experienced this kind of soul-nourishment in a counselling setting. I have brought deep struggles and trauma to a person whom I have trusted to hear me without judgement. Because I have been graced with excellent counsellors throughout my adult life, I have always left their offices more aware of my own strength, and also so deeply comforted by the awareness that I’m not meeting life’s struggles all by myself.
So how do I practice asking for help? I find little ways in my daily life, small things I can ask of others that, if they choose to say no, I don’t feel diminished. Asking a loved one to move loads of laundry while I’m cooking a meal. Letting a friend know that I need someone to take a walk with. Asking my husband to hand me the spoon I need from the drawer in front of him.
These “little asks” help increase my capacity for meeting my own vulnerability. They create a kind of inner “muscle memory”, if you will, so that when the ask is bigger I feel more comfortable in letting my need be seen.
The key is starting with people I know and trust, people I can count on to meet me with care. I am often surprised at how willing they are to help, how pleased they are that I asked. I discover that they are less judgemental of my needs than I am.
Allowing myself to feel my own needs reminds me that I am worthy of support, and my soul is nourished in the remembering.
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