Recently a dear friend reflected to me that she experiences me as authentic. I feel both delighted and humbled by her observation, and to be honest,, a little uncomfortable. And so, as I do, I’ve been mulling it over.
I long for authenticity, thus my favourite hashtag #rememberingmytruth.
Someone I love dearly and trust implicitly says she sees me as authentic.
What more could I want, right?
As I allowed the discomfort space to just be over the course of a couple of days, there came an “aha” moment, a gift from Spirit.
I am a mystery.
This is something I have said flippantly, poking a little bit of fun at aspects of my personality that surprise me or baffle my Favourite Person.
It is also a statement of deepest truth. One of my most beloved spiritual teachers speaks often of “the mystery of who I am”. She reminds us that we were each made from stardust, born with the image and light of the Divine. From our earliest days, we learned that life doesn’t always welcome authentic expression of that mystery, so we learn to cover it up. We hid behind masks of what helps us fit in, what earns us praise from those we admire, what helps us feel like we belong.
This is just the process of being human. It is also part of our process, as we mature, to recognize where we have come to believe those masks are the truth of who we are. The work often begins in our midlife years, and is uncomfortable and not a little bit terrifying at times.
As we engage in that process, we come to realize that we don’t fully know who we are. We catch glimpses. Certain aspects of our truth we come to know with certainty, which makes us only more aware of the parts of ourselves that remain mysterious.
Thus, for me, when someone says they appreciate my authenticity, my instant reaction is disbelief. I don’t fully know who I am so how can I be authentic? And if I don’t experience myself as being authentic, how can someone else see me as such?
I explored this in further conversation with my friend, and she reminded me that while we are on the journey to realness, we know we haven’t arrived. “We aren’t totally satisfied with where we are in any given moment, even though we celebrate it with ‘defiant joy.’ We hold in tension gratitude for where we are and the soul-longing to be more …”
That’s it! That’s the struggle of allowing ourselves to be seen, the knowing that no matter how lovingly we are received, we are still works in progress. We are still mysteries, even to ourselves.
Leave a Reply