I’ve been doing a lot of processing this week, paying attention to my feelings, reading what others write as they process theirs, and having conversations with various people about what we’re feeling and what’s important to us.
The one thing that is emerging for me is how much we need to listen to each other. Instead of making pronouncements, we need to be asking questions from a place of genuine curiosity.
One friend suggested these two questions:
- How are you doing? This tends to be a “throwaway” question that we ask without really pausing to pay attention to the answer. What if we asked that question with genuine interest?
- What do you need from me? This question takes courage. It requires that I be vulnerable enough acknowledge that I don’t know what you need, and it invites you to be vulnerable in expressing what your need is. This mutual vulnerability opens a pathway for genuine connection between us.
This questions reminded me of a teaching I’ve heard about Bedouin hospitality. In the desert, resources are few, and visitors infrequent. Any stranger who approaches an encampment is met with hospitality and three questions. I believe these three questions can guide us in cultivating a spirit of curiosity about those around us, particularly those with whom we disagree.
- Who are you? It is so easy to assume I know who you are. The truth is that who I am changes from day to day, so why should I expect another to be the same every time we meet. What if we remembered to ask ourselves that question regularly, paying attention to our own shifts and changes? And then, what if we approached one another similarly, perhaps not always asking the question outright, but engaging with the intent of learning more about who they are, truly are, behind the veneer we all wear as part of functioning in society.
- Where have you come from? Again, this is a good question to ask ourselves on a regular basis, taking time to look as the pathway of our lives and encounters. It’s a good question to ask ourselves at the end of the day as a way of reviewing how our day has unfolded and attending to whatever emotions and experiences need more care. As we grow in the skill of giving ourselves this kind of attention, we are then able to greet others with this same inquiry. What are the experiences that have made you who you are? Why does this particular issue mean so much to you? What about this circumstance makes you feel afraid?
- Where is the purpose of your visit? Another way of stating this in a modern context is, “What matters most to you?” We are all striving to live certain values that matter deeply to us. While we might state these values in terms that sound similar to other people’s values, when heard in the context of “Who are you?” and “Where have you been?” those values become unique and intensely personal. As I become aware of my own deep values, it is easier for me to listen more compassionately to others’ values. I become aware of what actually matters to those around me, and often (although not always) it leads me to realize we often care about the same things, even if we express that caring in very different ways.
Sometimes I discover that our values simply aren’t compatible. In that case, there is other inner work for me to do around discerning how to respond, rather than react. There are times when I realize that another isn’t a safe space for my vulnerability, or for the tenderness of someone I love. It is an act of courage and deep discernment to find and express the healthy boundary.
Of course, these aren’t questions I can ask in the grocery store checkout line, or as I pass a coworker in the hall. I can, however, hold these questions in my awareness as I interact with others, even in an online setting. They remind me to be curious, rather than certain.
In a way, it doesn’t really matter what questions we ask. The important thing is that we remember there is so much we don’t know about the people around us. We can only build connections as we are willing to let ourselves learn about one another. It’s not easy to set aside assumptions and reactions, but it’s the only way we’re going to find our way back to community.
It’s not politicians or political systems or even religious dogmas that will save our troubled world. Only community will do that, realizing we are inherently connected, and that when part of our society suffers, we all suffer. Our strength lies in our care of one another, and in our ability too not only tolerate the discomfort of diversity but grow into seeing the beauty in it.
