Self sufficiency is a highly valued trait in our colonial mindset and capitalistic culture. We’ve been raised on the myth of the “self-made man” (not so much about self-made women!) and the concept (illusion) that being skilled and working hard will result in having everything we need or want at our fingertips. Success in our society is measured by the collection of belongings we have amassed, and our skill at keeping as much as possible to ourselves.
By contrast, “receiving the gifts of the earth” is a recurring theme in Indigenous teachings. This is demonstrated in practices such as not harvesting all of the berries on a plant or bush, and leaving a bit of tobacco in thanks while foraging. This grows what scientist and Indigenous teacher, Robin Walls Kimmerer calls a mindset of reciprocity. We receive gifts from the Earth and give our care, attention and gratitude in response.
The illusion of self sufficiency motivates us to take what we need, and keep taking. The reciprocity mindset motivates us to consciously receive gifts that are provided, experience gratitude for the provision, and then share it with those around us.
I have learned much from what Kimmerer, Rob MacLaren, and many others, have written on the harm the “taking” mindset has done to our planet. I encourage you to explore their wisdom.
In my own learning and contemplation, I’ve been pondering the “taking” vs “receiving” mindset as it relates to my care of my own heart.
Patriarchy has indoctrinated us all into the belief that we have to prove ourselves worthy of respect and belonging. This “proof” most often comes in the form of the pursuit of material wealth, and is always dependent on external valuation.
Because we humans are designed to crave connection and belonging, we do everything we can to prove ourselves worthy. This tends to result in two things: a) a fixation on external approval and b) a constant inner critical commentary.
The sad result of this is that when others do give us positive feedback, we don’t know how to actually let it in, how to allow it to touch our tender hearts.
We don’t know how to receive.
Consider for a moment the first reaction that arises when someone offers help of some kind. My experience, whether as giver or receiver, is that more often than not, the help is refused. “Thanks, but I’ve got it.” Or “I can manage, thank you.” What I’m aware of in the moment is a desire to “not be a bother”, but as I sit with the discomfort, I realize that what is beneath that is a feeling of vulnerability, a fear that if I accept the help, I will be perceived as weak or needy, and thus, not worthy of belonging.
What actually happens is that I push away the care being offered, and deprive myself of the connection I crave.
Another way this shows up is when someone else expresses admiration or affection. My first impulse is to turn the compliment back to them. They say, “You did that really well” and I respond with list of the mistakes I made, or point to someone who does it better. They say,
“I love you,” and I reflexively response, “I love you, too.”
One of my soul practices has been to make a conscious choice to let myself feel the admiration or affection before I make any kind of response. It doesn’t take longer than a heartbeat, and an inhale. Then, when I remember, I choose words that allow the compliment to just be what it is—the other person’s expression of appreciation. Often a simple “thank you” is all I need to say. Not following it up with a disclaimer or a redirect does feel unsettling. I notice how tender my heart feels in the wake of the care given.
It is this connection with our own tenderness that keeps our hearts open and receptive. It makes me aware of how important love is to my very being. It is this awareness that can take me deeper into my own soul to reconnect with the Love which made me and which is always and ever part of my cells. I remember that before anything or anyone else, I belong to myself and to the Source that created me.
In the cosmic dance of reciprocity, I belong. In feeling my own belonging, I then can’t help but long for all others to feel their inclusion, as well. As andre lorde wrote, “I am not free while any woman is unfree.” You and me becomes we.
I receive love and I give gratitude. I give love and I receive the gift of feeling myself to be part of the rhythm of Life itself. In this dance, no one is left behind or left outside the circle.
It all begins with learning how to receive.
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