If I were to ask you to describe yourself, what words would you use? How many of those have to do with roles you fill?
This is a very normal, very human response. Our culture has taught us to value ourselves in the context of what we do. Our worth feels measurable by external markers.
As I companion others in their soul-work, when I ask them to describe themselves without referring to roles, I’ve noticed what comes up is what they love, and often, what captures their attention when they’re alone. This isn’t something we usually take note of—what gives us delight and what absorbs us when there aren’t external expectations.
This is one of the key components of caring for our souls—allowing ourselves time and space separate from externals. It is only when our gaze is allowed to face inward that we truly meet ourselves. (Next week I’ll write more about the work of turning inward, and why it is so difficult.)
In the initial stages of allowing this inward gaze, what often arises first is an awareness of how we feel we don’t measure up to some standard. Many of us seem to carry the unspoken belief that it is essential to disapprove of our own being.
The truth is that kindness and loving attention are far more fertile ground for growth than criticism and judgement. Life itself shows us our mistakes. Culture will always be ready to point out where we don’t measure up … and will always move the goalposts as soon as we feel we have achieved whatever we thought was necessary.
If we don’t champion our own hearts, who will?
Learning to see myself with gentleness is a learned skill. I consider it a superpower that we can cultivate.
We can start by inwardly asking, “What do I like about myself?”
This might feel uncomfortable.
It might even feel unanswerable, at least initially.
That’s okay.
Just let the question whisper inside you. Carry it with you as you move through your day. Something will emerge.
It might be a tiny thing, such as, I like the shape of my eyes or I like how I always notice the moon in the night sky. Whatever it is, once it comes to your attention, be deliberate about noticing it at least once a day.
Something surprising may occur—you’ll notice a second thing that you kind of don’t mind about yourself.
That which we pay attention to, grows.
Cultivating an awareness of what I value or appreciate about myself has a way of softening my inevitable self-judgements. Because I am human, I will fail, I will make mistakes, and there will always be areas in which I wish I could be better. Being aware of what I love about myself offers me context for my blunders and weaknesses. I’m able to see myself as being both light and darkness, admirable and embarrassing, wise and stumbling. I know myself as a being of immense worth, even when I falter.
Researcher and author, Kristin Neff, has spent two decades studying and teaching about how relating to ourselves with compassion changes how we experience life. She writes, “People who are more self-compassionate tend to be happier, more hopeful, and optimistic. …They’re physically healthier … (and) more motivated, conscientious and take more responsibility for themselves. They’re more resilient … and have closer and more functional relationships …”
Further, she writes in her excellent book, Fierce Self-Compassion, deep self-kindness gives us the inner resources we need to speak up on our own behalf and be passionate about our own truth. Kindness toward ourselves makes us stronger, not weaker.
It begins with learning to look inward with a loving gaze.
What do you love about yourself today?
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